Now before you groan and think that I’m about to explain how you don’t need Prince Charming because Jesus is the ultimate Prince Charming, you can rest at ease and keep reading. I do love Jesus, but that is most definitely not my point.
Here’s my point in a nutshell. Prince Charming doesn’t
exist. He’s unavailable. But we settle for a life of only dreaming about a man
who will meet and fulfill everything we ever dreamed of without us having to do
any work at all. We miss all of the real men in front of us—men who are
actually available, and, if we’re willing to risk it, able to provide us so
much more love and fulfillment then Prince Charming ever can.
I settled for Prince Charming for a long time—33 years to
be exact. For me Prince Charming came in the form of various guys (some good,
some not so much) that I dreamed would one day sweep me off my feet. These guys
were dashing and handsome, funny and smart, but they were unavailable to me.
Some were just unavailable in general. Others were not capable of emotional
connection because they were so self-absorbed. Most of them had no interest in
me at all. I had imaginary relationships with many of these guys. I would talk
to them in my head and they would respond lovingly. And to be honest, it was
safe to like these guys. They didn’t like me, so I never had to actually deal
with a real relationship where you have to be honest about what you like and
don’t like. You have to express your needs and be willing to be vulnerable and
stay connected to someone who isn’t always perfect and who turns you off sometimes
because he’s got bad breath or doesn’t anticipate your desires without you
sharing them out loud.
No, it’s way easier to settle for Prince Charming who you
don’t have to risk your heart with and learn how to love when you don’t feel
like it. Prince Charming doesn’t have different opinions from you that you have
to work through, and he certainly knows how to match and not embarrass you in
public.
For years I overlooked the guys who actually did like me.
Something in me would almost be turned off at a guy who liked me and treated me
well. It’s as if I was too afraid of intimacy with a real available person, so
I went running to Prince Charming who I never had to risk with, and I convinced
myself that I didn’t really like the guys who actually pursued me.
I’m not married yet, but I suspect that married women
settle for Prince Charming too. Things get messy and hard with your own imperfect
husbands, and the idea of entrusting your heart to him, tenderly calling him to
godly manhood, or opening up to him about what scares you is too hard. So you
pull away into your own world and dream of Prince Charming—whether it’s an
imaginary guy or just a “better” version of your husband, without interacting
with the man that’s right in front of you. It’s too scary because there’s a
chance to get hurt. A chance the real guy will fail to meet your needs or worse
yet, reject you. But the possibility of a truly connected relationship full of
joy and pain is greater than what you’ll ever have with Prince Charming.
As a single gal for three more months, I’ve had to
wrestle with the fact that my fiancé is not Prince Charming. Sometimes I get
annoyed at him and don’t feel like opening up to him. This would worry me when
we were dating, and I thought it meant I needed to break up with him. My married
friends helped me realize that this was normal (Who knew? Thanks to Hollywood
and our romanticized idea of blissful relationships that don’t require any work
or sacrifice). My boyfriend (now fiancé) was a good guy who loved Jesus and adored
me, and the fact that I didn’t always feel crazy about him didn’t mean that I
needed to pack my bags. I needed to wait it out and to risk being honest with
him about how I felt—something I had never tried with another man before. Oddly
enough, he handled it with a tender strength and consistency that was safe and
restful. It didn’t scare him, and it brought us closer together little by
little. I was actually experiencing what it means to be flawed and open in
relationship with him. To choose intimacy and connection when all I wanted to
do was hide and pull into myself. I can hardly believe that God has given me
this man to grow in relationship with. I’m scared for the times when I don’t
feel in love with him anymore and I wonder what in the world I was thinking,
but I hope that, more often than not, I choose relationship and intimacy in the
midst of my fear.
So my advice… stop settling for Prince Charming. He’s not
going to come riding in on a white horse. In fact, Jesus didn’t even come
riding in on a white horse. He was a real man, one who probably smelled funny,
wasn’t the most handsome, and who didn’t have tons of money or come from the
greatest of backgrounds. He didn’t do what everyone was expecting Him to do.
No, he actually wanted a relationship with His disciples and the people around
Him—one of intimacy. Peter in particular had to accept the relationship Christ
offered him—especially after he had denied Him three times. He had to look
Christ in the eye again and step out of his own shame to enter back into
relationship with Him. And this surrender is often the first step to healing
with our spouses as well.
The man of your dreams doesn’t exist (thank goodness), so
stop settling for him. Because your husband might very well exist (whether
you’re married to him yet or not). And no, he’s not perfect like Jesus, but
he’s way more worth the messy, glorious parts of relationship with than Prince
Charming will ever be.
p.s. I suspect these
principals can also apply to men and their pursuit of the perfect Sleeping Beauty,
a fairy tale character who cannot compare to a real woman who bares the image
her Creator. So guys, please don’t settle for Sleeping Beauty either. She requires
nothing from you and, in turn, can’t even begin to give you what a true woman
has the potential to.
